on the precipice

i had to look up how to spell precipice. i'm not sure why. i am often a good speller. i was right but i still felt the need to check.

that is a good summary of my life at the moment. checking with others for approval. i feel like i am not myself. i do feel like i'm trying to find myself but i find that i am often swept around by other's personalities rather than my own. i love my friends and i love this college but at the moment i just want to get out.

i'm feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances. ::faints on handy fainty couch from antiquated times::

when in reality i am not facing anything particularly strenuous. i am a successful student at a not so cheap private college with a good GPA and a loving family. while their social sanity might be debatable, there is nothing wrong with them aside from that. i am not impoverished. i am not starving. i am not ravaged by any horrendous disease easily cured by cheap medicine that will kill many little someones this evening. I AM SO SPOILED. i have a warm bed tonight. two in fact. one here and one at home should i ever feel the need to leave my campus and run away back to the safety of my mother's open arms. i am not hungry. i do not need to steal my next meal or money to buy clothes. i do not need to resort to dealing drugs just to pay the rent. the only things stressing in my life? completely temporal. my roommate is almost dating my ex boyfriend. i am the director of a singing group. i am student teaching next semester. i will be doing a lot of work this semester with little immediate benefit. i don't have a significant other who i can just hold on to. and while these things are so small in comparison to the worlds problems. to me they are so big that i feel panicked when i start to think about them. i don't want to whine but all of this is just seens like too much. i know i can handle it. just because it's the most difficult thing to me at the moment doesn't mean it will be so in 20 years. and that sickens me that its too much at the moment. i wish life were simpler. where i could live with someone who loved me and that we would LIVE. travel, eat, help people less fortunate. DO SOMETHING WITH OUR LIVES BESIDES CHECKING FUCKING FACEBOOK. excuse my language but that is really how i feel.

i am going to sleep. tomorrow i am going to class. again. maybe i will learn something about myself. maybe not. but i hope and i pray so ardently that it will bring me closer to where i need to be. to my true love. to helping people. to finding my place under that big shining sun. i'll find it. i know i will.

i have to.