nice guys eh?

a good friend told me the other day (and continues to do so on nearly a daily basis) that sometimes nice guys are just nice. they aren't seeking anything other than friendship or even acquaintance.

also when you are with them alone for an extended periods of time, they like to end the night with a "just so you know, this wasn't a date."

of COURSE it wasn't.

effing timmy ho's does not equal a date. in fact it is less than a date. it's more like, i don't know talking over coffee!


hrmf.

i kow that this guy won't be doing any sweeping anytime soon.
when, oh when, will my mr. bertram come along? hopefully not in the far distant future. or else i might spend my whole life waiting.

i should really not watch two 'chick flicks' in one night. talk about emotion and sensory overload. sprechen sie kisses?

Love,
weekendhack

really...another week?

so i was astounded by the date on my last post. it feels like i wrote it yesterday and yet...it was a week ago. ish.

i am off to bed but i will leave you with a favorite poem of mine

love is anterior to life
posterior to death
initial of creation,
and the exponent of breath.

emily dickinson.

truer words were never said
nor billy never writ, nor no man ever loved.

week one: complete

outside of some erratic sleep patterns, i would say the first week of school has been an overall success. i made myself complete my homework for my orchestration class waaay ahead of time so that I could chill this weekend and do the other lighter stuff.

things in the roommate dept are ok. i feel like i just need to let this go. i think that it will be easier now that i talked with him and tried to give him so idea of what i was going through. short of crying and throwing a hissy fit i don't think there is much i can do.

in the other dept. which would be i guess the "love" dept. i think things are going where they should. i've been getting ahead of myself concerning a guy friend of mine and it's best now to nip it in the bud. i just want to get to know him and be his friend. outside of that, well. i don't think there is much future there. i know that there is someone out there for me. there has to be. the only problem is that he is out there and not here. but... he is not here for a reason. and that reason is that i am not quite ready yet. i would really need to get to know someone.

a few people have told me that i really won't get over this guy (old boyfriend guy not new friend guy) until i meet and date someone new. i think they are right but i don't want it to be just anyone. and i really don't want this new guy to think the only reason i hang out with him and talk with him is because i like him. i do, a little, but that's NOT the point. i just want to get to know him. i'm not planning our wedding or putting his name in hearts. i just want him to be my friend. a true friend. a confidant. someone he turns to. because i wasn't that in my last close relationship with a boy. this is my chance to not mess things up.

guh. sorry for blog vomiting all over you but sometimes a girl has got to vent and when her roommate has been passed out since 10:30, well, blogger, you become my sounding board.

much love,
weekendhack

a good night's sleep

maybe not the wisest of decisions but last night i took two tylenol pm's to help me fall asleep. they worked relatively well, however, the havoc reeked upon my system and the acidity of my stomach? not so fun

in the clear

to sum it up, i asked him to not be around so much.

i hope he doesn't think that i hate him. i just need time to heal and finally put this behind me. then... then i can get on with my life.

we're getting closer to the end this time.
and i am so glad.

on the precipice

i had to look up how to spell precipice. i'm not sure why. i am often a good speller. i was right but i still felt the need to check.

that is a good summary of my life at the moment. checking with others for approval. i feel like i am not myself. i do feel like i'm trying to find myself but i find that i am often swept around by other's personalities rather than my own. i love my friends and i love this college but at the moment i just want to get out.

i'm feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances. ::faints on handy fainty couch from antiquated times::

when in reality i am not facing anything particularly strenuous. i am a successful student at a not so cheap private college with a good GPA and a loving family. while their social sanity might be debatable, there is nothing wrong with them aside from that. i am not impoverished. i am not starving. i am not ravaged by any horrendous disease easily cured by cheap medicine that will kill many little someones this evening. I AM SO SPOILED. i have a warm bed tonight. two in fact. one here and one at home should i ever feel the need to leave my campus and run away back to the safety of my mother's open arms. i am not hungry. i do not need to steal my next meal or money to buy clothes. i do not need to resort to dealing drugs just to pay the rent. the only things stressing in my life? completely temporal. my roommate is almost dating my ex boyfriend. i am the director of a singing group. i am student teaching next semester. i will be doing a lot of work this semester with little immediate benefit. i don't have a significant other who i can just hold on to. and while these things are so small in comparison to the worlds problems. to me they are so big that i feel panicked when i start to think about them. i don't want to whine but all of this is just seens like too much. i know i can handle it. just because it's the most difficult thing to me at the moment doesn't mean it will be so in 20 years. and that sickens me that its too much at the moment. i wish life were simpler. where i could live with someone who loved me and that we would LIVE. travel, eat, help people less fortunate. DO SOMETHING WITH OUR LIVES BESIDES CHECKING FUCKING FACEBOOK. excuse my language but that is really how i feel.

i am going to sleep. tomorrow i am going to class. again. maybe i will learn something about myself. maybe not. but i hope and i pray so ardently that it will bring me closer to where i need to be. to my true love. to helping people. to finding my place under that big shining sun. i'll find it. i know i will.

i have to.

assignments

(picture courtesy of www.wlu.ca)

i am writing my resume (again). it is so strange to write about oneself. all my earthly accomplishments (or at least the ones i think will win me a salary) on one, simple, aesthetically pleasing page.

i am excited and anxious about this next semester. i have a lot on my plate but not nearly as much as last semester. i think that i can be successful as long as i am careful with my time.

i wonder how long it will be until i change my tune?



love,
weekendhack

strangers?

so someone who i don't know has apparently bookmarked my blog and now reads it on a daily basis. at least once a day. who are you strange person? the power of the internet is on my side. that and IP tracking. ::snickers in a non-sinister way:::

in retrospect...

i have changed so much this year. and many firsts as well...

- first (and hopefully not last) actual relationship where i like a boy and he likes me. and we actually tell each other that. shocker. :)

- first (and hopefully not last) trip overseas, London and Paris in May

- first time to Boston and Philadelphia (October and December respectively)

- first semester with a 3.8 GPA

- first actual date to a formal event (even if it wasn't spectacular, it was nice)


One of my best and oldest friends said it best the other day: "I could find someone but I don't want just anyone. I want the one. I would rather wait for that right one than throw myself at the next unsuspecting person of the male persuasion."

I think that will be the theme for 2008.