Finish Line!

8 days of student teaching left.

I really do not think I can wrap my head around that. My entire college career has been focused toward the aim of *dun dun dun*:


STUDENT TEACHING.


Now that it is drawing to an end, my ever-thinking-about-what-to-do-next brain is grasping in vain for something to latch onto. I have a basic framework of what I want to do in the next few years and also what NYS tells me to do in regards to my certification. These things are cold, hard facts:

1. Get Masters degree in Music something. Education, musicology, etc.
2. Get 3 years teaching experience in a public school with at least one year of a mentoring experience.

Now, I have no idea how I am going to get there but I think those are good things to start with. All that to say, thank you NYS for giving me some guidance as to what I should do with my life.

Love,
weekendhack

la vie en...gris?

things are a little crazy right now and i hate to say it, but a little mundane. i KNOW i should be more worried about things like lesson planning, juries, assignments, etc but right now it just all feels a little...gray. it started snowing a few days ago and has been flurry-ing (sp?) on and off since. usually, this time of year i am running around outside catching snowflakes by the mouthful but the only interaction between the snow and i has been, "AGH GET OUT OF MY WAY, I CAN'T SEE THE ROAD."


i love fall. i love winter. is there someone out there to love them with me? holidays are wonderful time to feel ... lonely. completely surrounded by family, but no one to kiss under the mistletoe. *sigh* argh, why couldn't i have been a realist? No no, I am a hopeFUL romantic.

oi.

enough blubbering, i need a shower.

night
love
weekendhack

sorry blogworld, i forgot about you for a while

update from the front: student teaching is going well, my master teacher (or host teacher as she likes to be called, "everyone is still learning,") is WONDERFUL. really! She is so flexible and she wants me to succeed and I really enjoy having her there to cheer me on and also to pick me apart so that I can hone in on what needs done.

In other news, the car had to get fixed for the ba-zillionth time... this time it was a little more serious. The exhaust system actually fell apart in my mechanic's hands. $$$

On the personal front, things are good. I am tired and going a little crazy but other than that, things are normal. I had a bonfire the other night and it was probably the most fun I've had in a while. The neighbors called the cops on us but we had doused the fire and gotten inside by they time they showed up to check on our "two bonfires and at least 15 people." 

ONE bonfire, and at the most with everyone here, we only had 14. so there! :)

i've started a flickr...we'll see how I do about actually posting pictures. I should be getting my Paris/London pictures back soon so they'll be up in a bit. 

that's all for now, i'm going to sleep. 

yep. it's 10pm and i going to bed. 

ah the life of a teacher.

new semester

i honestly cannot believe that i start student teaching on tuesday. it is beyond my comprehension. really. sometimes i think, oh yeah, i'm gonna be getting up at 5:30am on tuesday. and then the other part of me says, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" 

i will manage the early hours. i am not too worried about the teaching but i think my biggest battle will be classroom control. but if we start off on the right foot...i think it will really be to my advantage.

backyard post #1

no mr. bumble bee, i am not a flower. however, i am flattered by your attentions.

my backyard is really lovely. the sun is setting and it is turning into a cool night. i've been swimming everyday since saturday and i really love it. i feel like i might get addicted to it. i almost want to go back again tonight but i got all gussied up and i am of a mind to go out...

however, i need to trim my bangs first. ah the life of the girly girl. 

sometimes.

when i'm not sweating my butt of in the water (who knew?).

far away for far too long

hello blog.

sorry i've been neglecting you. 

yesterday was a weird day. all of the sudden i was really popular and turning down invites left and right. however not nice of me that may have been, i did get to watch a spectacular movie with B. 

Random Harvest with Greer Garson and Ron Coleman. If you are looking for a suspenseful romance from the 1940's classic era, well, this is it. This film brings stereotypical 40s elements to the table: a man tormented by the war, a clever show girl, rich families and big business. However, the subtleties in this movie are what make it a great film. You'll find yourself a mess trying to figure out how this one will turn out but it will be worth your while.

Ok, movie review aside, things are looking up. Today was payday and there is a soccer scrimmage later tonight. Also, the pole vaulting stuff is on tonight for the olympics and an alumnus from my school is in it! Maybe I can manage to get some organizing done before it gets too late. 

More tomorrow as it will be Saturday and I will have time for some reflecting.

Love,

weekendhack

just keep moving

i love boxes.

i love free things.

i love love free boxes.


:)

this week has been, well, insane. i have absolutely no free time as it is coming down to the wire to get things out of our apartment & cleaned by monday(ish). b wants to be done by tomorrow hopefully but i'm thinking sunday will be the day that i finish up. i just haven't had the time this week. i've worked over 50 hours and moved everything i have accumulated in the last three years back to my house. on top of that, we painted mine room and b's room starting last week with mine and finishing this past weekend with b's. needless to say, our house has been a MAD house.

hopefully, tonight will prove its worth with some well deserved socialization and relaxation. i can see the finish line and it's approaching quickly... tonight we will attempt to move the big couch. if we can't..well...i'm calling my uncle. he owns a truck. it should fit in the back of the van, especially since all the seats have been removed.

moving home is a lot trickier than moving to the dorm. you can't leave anything behind! (especially when you know almost the entire cleaning crew and that they will have your butt on a silver platter if you leave your nasty nacho chips all over the cupboards!)

so there is my life at the moment. i did get a chance today to get outside a bit. it's such a beautiful day and here i am...working again. i HATE fluorescent lights. they make me dizzy.

well, i am off to blog else-where. i have a feeling that my twitter is going to go nuts tonight.

rainy nights

despite the fact that my car needs work and that i have to get up tomorrow morning, i am doing quite well.

it rained pretty heavily tonight and it was.... refreshing?

also, i met my host teacher for student teaching at her house today. she is pretty much the best. i am so excited for my student teaching position and i think that she is too. she seems like a lot of fun and very good at what she does. i cannot wait.

life is interesting right now. might be going to the drive in with a boy. and maybe some other people, maybe not? we'll see how that goes.... ;)

ok, definitely time for bed.

love,

weekendhack

all too often

story

there are so many comments on this story from all kinds of people. a lot of white people saying “these guys don’t know how to handle money, etc” a lot of black people saying “all you white people have no idea what you are talking about, etc” and both of them have some valid points

First of all, I think the fault lies with Extreme Home Makeover. If someone is in financial crisis to begin with, what do you think giving them $450,000 worth of collateral is going to do, make them Donald Trump? Sure they will have a house that is paid for, but how will they pay for the electricity? Oh, it’s ok, we’ll give them another $200,000 to cover the expenses of keeping up a house like that. Just because someone has a lot of money, doesn’t mean they are a wise investor. I think that the Home Makeover should include a financial training program with their houses. You can’t give people fish, you have to teach people how to fish.

Second, JP Morgan, wtf? If you knew their financial history, why on earth did you let them use their home as collateral? That is risky business right there. It is one thing to invest in an unstable market on something that might not pull through, but to give a $450,000 loan to a family that is not only financially irresponsible, but to one that has absolutely no experience in dealing with big money? Seriously…

Third, my heart goes out to the family. What a crazy, twisted world we live in, where one minute you live like a king, and the next, you are back to your tiny house with your whole family. I hope that you all have learned something, a) big loans are usually not in your best interest and b) you are not donald trump. being financially shrewd and a good investor can give you the power to take out a loan against your house (still definitely not a good idea, unless you have a few houses) but until then, you have to work your way up. I hope that things work out for you and your family. 

Last, to all you future homemakover receivers… please be responsible with the great gift that people have toiled and worked over for you. It’s not permanent, nor can you take it with you when you die, but you can at least be mindful of it and use it to help others.

sj

all too often

determined or deranged

if i had to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week in an office, i would go bonkers.

 i had to work 8 hours today and i was just shy of running out the door screaming "AAAAAAAsadl;kfj;la

djghgkd;fjds;fdjhf

jkdshfajksdfk

jahdfkdkfa

sjdhfa

sg

f" all the way. 

I think it is the light from the fluorescent bulbs. It's constantly moving and changing, which makes your focus shift slight every millisecond. Like little tiny photosensitive light seizures. 

WARNING: If you are prone to PSLS, do not work in an office. Or watch IMAX all day long.

this post is random yes, but it does have point.

i will not be able to work an office job the rest of my life thus ruling out from career options : anything to do with businesses or offices.

looks like i am joining the peace corps. 

:) won't my mother be proud?

love, 

weekendhack

p.s. ROTFL thinking about what my mom's face would look like if i started some dreads. or a tattoo of some sort. oh it's just too good. ::tee hee::

what the heck.

i really don't appreciate it when a joke turns into someone taking offense and then complaining about it.  

srsly?

grow up. and welcome to the real world.

mid morning blog

alright so it is almost noon. give me a break!

those thunderstorms last night were a little on the rough side and kept me awake. eventually the rain got me to sleep peacefully.

everyone is having babies or getting married!!!

this is not cool because i am not doing either of those things. not even in the foreseeable future. 

bah humbug.

ok, crankypants me is through ranting. this week has been overall, uneventful. although my last swing class last night was really fun. we did a whole routine. problem is, that was the last one! i'm really going to make the effort of going to the dances they have every week, a) stress relief and general enjoyment, b) because it really is a lot of fun and i think i could be good at it if i keep up with it. 

at work it has been a little more stressed due to this whole pickup basketball situation. the men's and women's teams sponsor pickup games through the summer so the players (and prospective players) can stay in shape. however, the guys take advantage of this and bring all their friends, their moms, their girlfriends, their cousins, and it just gets so out of control that we had to start charging them. only thing is, most of the girls that come to play are either current team members or prospectives, so we decided not to charge them. but then the guys found out we weren't charging the girls and got all ticked off. long story short: we had to restart charging the girls. apparently last night everything went smoothly so my job will be easier on thursday. 

ok, it is high time i got some lunch. 

love,

weekendhack

p.s. i am still utterly and completely unsure of what i am doing with my life. 

since my blog is somehow in pacific time, this post is actually on my birthday

i could have sworn i set that to eastern standard time a while ago...


regardless, i am officially: two decades old, not a teenager, a twenty-something, not twenty-one, and old enough that [hopefully] people won't look at me funny when i say that i am senior in college.

two decades [!]

it really hasn't processed yet. it will eventually. for now when people ask how old i am, i'll say "nineteen...i mean twenty..." and they will "sure you are..."

i have been thinking about something lately and since most of the people in my immediate world would flip and out and say 'holy cow sj what are you thinking' i will bounce this idea off the blog world. hopefully, to a less critical audience.

what if i got my masters in music ed, but then i got [another] degree in english literature? or...journalism? or computers? AGH. i have too many options that i cannot make up my mind. i would love to study abroad. oxford maybe? i could be a literary scholar. there is nothing i like better than a good book and a cup of coffee. is this just hype? is it popular to be a writer? do i like the image only and shun the bleak reality of my sole existence depending on my ability to criticize or create good literature?
but it would not be my sole existence. i could still teach music. heck, i could get a job in a school, or an office. with the recommendation that i hope i will get from my current boss, i could get a job working anywhere. (within the realm of reality of course, we're not talking NASA folks)

this post is incredibly long, yes. however...me sorting out my reason for existence has the potential to last a lifetime, across a vast sea of blogs, journals, diaries and rants on unsuspecting forum hosts.

could weekend hack really be a writer? or a literary critic? is it too late for me to do something i really want with my life? all you older people out there who have changed jobs 3.5 times (according to some survey i heard about a while ago), is it really worth it? i know, i know. i am only twenty. i have my whole life ahead of me to make mistakes, make good decisions, learn, grow, be a wife, be a mom.

i know that no one knows the answer but, how in the name of Benjamin Franklin's spectacles does it all fit together?

my birthday post ladies and gentlemen, from you very own weekendhack. future writer/music teacher/journalist/web designer/literary critic/overall crazy person.

<3 weekendhack.

mon anniversaire...c'est...dimanche?

my french is incredibly rusty. i don't know if it was ever anything that could rust, but man oh man, it's rusty now.

my birthday is sunday and i am feeling a mix of both excitement and neutrality. i feel so much older than i am that turning 20 doesn't really hold much charm. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled to not be a teenager anymore. at the same time though, i am remiss with doubts of the future, what the hell i am doing with my life and how work, love, friends, family and music will all play into it. *sigh* i just wish things would lay out in front of me saying "here! over here! i'm next!" so that i would know what to do.

on a lighter note, i met my host teacher for new placement. she seems fun and energetic and she laughed at my jokes which is a big plus. she offered to help me get to school by carpooling (!!!) which is possibly the best thing ever. also, i was informed by a certain guitar playing gentleman that there are definitely apartments to rent in the town of my second placement month by month. if the weather is bad enough, i may just rent a place out there for 0ct - dec. don't know how my parents will feel about that, but it will probably even out for gas. plus, i would only have to drive about 10 minutes, as compared to 45. i will definitely be looking into that.

work today was hectic. there is a church camp using our campus and it's just nuts. first off, the group is pentecostal and very... eccentric in their worship style. also, some of the kids, this one in particular, feel like they are so on fire for God that they need to act that way 24/7. i understand that it is a big deal to be released from sin and to know salvation but sometimes it can be really obnoxious to hang around that guy who says "praise the Lord" all day. praising God is good, but only when you mean. not just when you say it for show. 

:rant = over:

all that to say, i am a little cranky and a lot hungry. 

love,

weekendhack

one week!

it is surreal to think that i am almost 20. i mean, it was just yesterday that i graduated high school. i was 16. yeah yeah yeah. i know "holy cow, that's so young!" 

tell me about it.

i've always felt old for my age. sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

but now i'll be 20. not 19, and yet, not 21.

according to legend, the year of your birth when it coincides with your birthday is supposed to be your best year. your definitive year. 

hear's hopin'.

love

weekendhack

p.s. the room cleanout has been going well, trying to getting everything ready for fall. it seems that the summer is just flying by with no holds barred. i met my host teacher (!) the other day and she seems...wonderful. she's fun and crazy and i am so excited to work with her. she invited me over to dinner this summer so i could get to know her. that will be interesting but i'm glad for it.

wtf?

according to my textbook for my online gym class (haha) i am considered borderline obese!

O_o

w.t.f...?

i would like to live a long time thank-you-very-much so, tomorrow begins the journey towards a healthier me. (a slew of blog posts are on there way full of what i ate what i did and me kavetching about life)

sorry blogosphere but it has to be done.

current weight: 161

goal weigh: 130

lbs to go: 31

exercise today: zilch. unless you count making copies.. then....3 hours of making copies.

life. campfires. summer.

i think that you can define life by small moments. whether they be happy or sad, solitary or populated, new or old, they are defining moments. And they are what we make them. sometimes we miss them because we are too concerned with the circumstances around us.

these moments may be brief or they may be extended but nevertheless they are there; they exist. 

are lives are a series of these moments, strung along like golden pearls in the sunlight, a long path, all connected to each other, leading up to one another in a long succession of failures and triumphs. 

in the end, we are not defined by the size or the brightness of our pearls, but whether or not they have led us to a place of wisdom and love. 

love

weekendhack

boys and girls

so i was riding home last night from having dinner at a friend's apartment downtown, (mmm homemade pizza), listening and consequently rocking out to ben folds with all the windows rolled down when i thought of something. 

maybe girls and boys aren't so very different after all. what do we want?

love. companionship. someone to be there when we are sick or sad. someone to help us when we need it and tell us the truth when we need it. someone to hold us. someone to hold on to. someone to bounce ideas off of. someone to listen to. someone to talk with. someone to need. someone to be needed by. 

basic stuff right? so what do we get caught up on? little shit. we think about how things are going to end before they even begin. we get so hung up on the what ifs...we never go through with the why nots. 

with my hand dancing in the warm summer night air out the window of that little car bouncing down the innerloop, i figured something out. to hell with the what ifs. i'm going with the why nots. 

some people

i just can't stand her. 

and i am usually a very nice person, even if i don't like someone. i will at least pretend to be kind instead of lashing out and cat clawing them in the face like i really want to. i am a GREAT actress.

but there is just something about her that makes me want to scream. she has no common sense and is really rude and self centered. we were over at a friends house last night after the jazz fest (which she invited herself along to) and even though i told her earlier that we were gonna be there pretty late, she was complaining and yawning. then the friend pulled out some poetry and she was like "oh no no, no reading. there are only certain hours of the day you can read and this is not one of them" to which i said, "you are so wrong. reading is good anytime." and she said "nope, something something something."  the friend said "uh, this is my house, my rules." to which he added silently, and if you don't like it you can walk home. so he continued to read and she tlked through the whole thing or was texting. it was nice that he was reading and i enjoyed it but i just couldn't keep a straight face when she would ask stupid questions.

they say that there are no stupid questions...well...she's got them all down. 

i pulled the friend aside in the dining room and mouthed the words "i'm so sorry" and he said...it's ok, it's not your fault she's a barbarian. 

truer words were never spoken. 

nor shakespeare never write, nor i ever sung. 

high above, in the the blogosphere

12:18am sj realizes that there is probably about 30 minutes left on her laundry. 

12:19am sj realizes this means she must wait 30 minutes to get her pajamas and clean underwear

12:19:30am sj's head meets her desk. again. 

in lighter news, today boasted storms that laughed with lightening and chased the sunshine with hail. it was a weird weather day, not too hot but hot enough to bring in some big-ass thunder and lightening shows. 

also, i got almost all of my itunes library sorted out. figured out why some albums wouldn't stay grouped. stupid itunes. of course those two cd's can't have the same title even though they are disc 1 and 2 of the same frickin set. sometimes reasoning is beyond computers. 

as i sit here at an ungodly hour (mainly because i have to get up so early tomorrow), i am prone to ponder things. like...it is my exbf's birthday today. and you know what? i don't care. :) it has been almost a year now since we've been broken up (unless you count those weird summer months of "should we get back together for the hell of it" tension, then it's more like 10 months ago, but who's counting), and i am ok. i can't say that i am happy with where i am right now because right now is single, tired and busy all the time. 

when will i just be able to sit down and have a summer again? i shudder to think that last summer was my last real summer of laziness. ok, so being a teacher definitely gets you summers off but i will still probably work at something so i can have some kind of extra money to put away for europe. 

the marathon blog continues...

i was thinking the other day, what if i don't get my masters in music history? what if i just get it in music ed. would that be so terrible? i've made it this far, what is two more years of gobble-dy gook? but then again, i could move overseas (subsequently sending my dad and grandma into fits of worry) and just have a life there. or i could move to a big city. or both. 

GAH. indecision is not my style.

also? i missed a test in my summer course at the local community college. wednesday night i was over at ajane's and made the excellent, rational decision to skip class the next day. it wasn't until about 7pm that thursday that in a rush of sudden remembrance, that i had missed a test that would allow me to pass the course. instead, i had slept. needless to say i used some choice words on my way back to my dorm to write a pleading email to my professor. 

there is also the prospect of camping this weekend which will most definitely lighten my mood. i am not sure if it will play out with my work schedule, but if it does, that would be swell. i'd like to tackle a trail or two and then repair myself by a fire. 

well, i think that is quite enough of an earful (eyeful?) for one blog entry. i bid you adieu and i will hopefully see you on a more regular basis now that my life has settled into some crazy kind of warped routine. (sleep, eat, class, eat, work, eat, homework(?), sleep, repeat)

love,

weekendhack

apologies

i repent of having been a bad blogger as of late. things have been a little mundane and i've fallen into a pattern of all work, all class and little play. things were supposed to a little out of the ordinary last night, but guitar boy forgot to show up. i didn't really care i was just upset that after all the trouble of getting the stuff made he forgot. and also i gave my roommate b a hard time about making other plans and she totally sacrficed time with her bf to make guitar boy some frickin tiramisu. thanks b. i really did appreciate it, even though he didn't show up. it was delish.

in other news, i had a major idiot moment yesterday. on wednesday night i was over at friends house and decided it was a great idea to skip class thursday. but oh! wait! I MISSED AN FRICKIN TEST. i emailed my prof and said "i dont have a good excuse for missing class. i forgot that it was today, please show me mercy." or something like that. i really hope that he is feeling generous. 

the weather outside is so weird. it was very nice this morning at the butt crack of dawn when i was up to cover k's shift. now, it is a little more muggy and has started to rain a little, but the sun is still shining. i checked the weather and there is a fun thunderstorm about to hit. w00t. 

i think since i have been up for almost 3 hours that i will do some laundry while watching a movie or something.

maybe one of these days i will write about something of great importance to the world. until then, i bid you adieu. 

love,

weekendhack

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

:)

that is all

moving blows

i am officially sick of moving.

the end.

ugh

i do not like being sick.

i do not like having to clean my apt while sick.

therefore, i will not. 

i will do it tomorrow.

maybe.

free free free

my roommates are all moved out. :)

roommate 1: we had so many good times this year. a few tense times but more good times.

roommate 2: you are a sweetheart. i am glad that we are friends.

roommate 3: it is ok that you are dating my exboyfriend. it is more ok because you don't live here anymore. also, that you can never cuddle with him on my couch again, that makes it more ok.

i love you all and forgive you roommate 3 for making the first semester really difficult. i want to put the past behind me, really. 

now...it's time for summer. everything is over, this summer is going to be busy and fun and i can't wait. 

love,

weekendhack

jury jury jury

today is the big day, vocal jury. i need to get ready, eat lunch then go practice for a while and learn this stinking song. i am pretty sure i have it, i just tend to blank on the words every now and then which is not good. also, need to write up my repertoire sheet. ok. getting dressed now.

love,

weekendhack

sleepy time

i went home for the night so i could go to bed early and wake up at the butt crack of dawn to finish my project. i have 5 hours to finish it, print it, copy it, and bind it. 

i'm gonna need some serious caffeine tomorrow morning.

7am here i come.

:)

so close to being done i can almost taste it.

love,

weekendhack

finals loom ahead

today is saturday.

i have not gotten any work done this weekend.

therefore, tomorrow is going to be work day.

so much for a day of rest.

the formal was a blast, although the dj was lame. if it wasn't a dance classic (i.e. sandstorm, electric slide, the twist, etc) it was a 90s one hit wonder.

like a prayer by madonna?

really?

ugh.

but the people there were fun and i got to dance with two cute boys. in fact when asked by boy #1, i said, "really?" in an overly excited 7th grade voice. 

i haven't danced with a boy who asked me in a long time.

anyway, it was fun and i am glad i went.

also, the "un-recital" tonight was hilarious. i love our department. we really know how to have a good time. especially when it involved making jokes at the expense of others. or those in the room. or ourselves.

despite the many many dramas of this semester, it has been a good one. i will miss the seniors who are leaving us behind. 

i also found out one of my student teaching placements, Hooray! it is at a nice small school about 15 minutes away, elementary music and choirs. I don't know if it is my first or second placement. either way, i am looking forward to it. 

love,

weekendhack

my fault?

so i went to bed at 12 last night, and my roommate (number 1 from the last post) was kind of angry with me. she still had to study for a test. now, mind you, we live in an apartment. with a living room and kitchen. both well equipped with light. it's not like i was making her go to bed or anything, i just needed to sleep (since being up past 1 for the last three nights was messing with me). 

also? there is a lamp under my bed (it's lofted) that i offered to pull out for her to study with. 

she refused.

she insisted on studying by the light of her computer. 

...?!

she could most definitely have gone out to the living room to study. ah, but why didn't she? because she is conjoined at the hip to her computer. * it is a nice, shiny, mac, but really? * 

i know that it is an important communication tool but someone should be able to study with talking on im. c'est vrai!

but she was still all huffy and pissed. this morning, i said "have a good day" and she totally ignored me. maybe she just didn't hear but i am pretty sure that she did. 

i do not need this right now. i think i'll go home tonight so i can go to bed when i want to. ie: 11pm.  maybe even 10:30pm

love, 

wh

chill as ice

i am much more relaxed now than i was last night.

however, i do have a ridiculous amount of work to do. so if you will excuse me,

i must be off. there are lesson plans to be collected. a paper to be writ and a piece to be composed. in that order.

also, running for officer in chorale. which position will i get, no one knows. 

drat. now i have to write three mini-speeches.

dear roommates

if any of my roommates even read my blog: i am in a generally pissed off state right now, therefore the following statements are in the heat of the moment and i will probably cool off in the next 20 minutes or so. that said, these are my thoughts and i am not apologetic for they are honest.

roommate 1

having a disclaimer in your away message does not excuse anyone for their behavior. everyone has A LOT to do. it's the week before finals and everyone is stressed. they are just finals and while they are important, what is more important? the way you treat people and how they see you or what you got on some silly assignment.

roommate 2

please don't be in the shower exactly 15 minutes before i need to leave for class so that i cannot brush my teeth.

roommate 3

stop dating my ex-boyfriend, it's weird

don't leave passive aggressive notes about the dishes. ask me like an adult.

just tired

so looking at the pile of work i have to do, i decided that i should post. of course

*warning: RANT n' RAVE POST*

i am tired of being alone. i am tired of seeing other people be all cutesy. i want cutesy back. cutesy is fun. and i am tired of people telling me that it is all in God's timing. i know it is in God's timing. EVERYTHING is in God's timing.

I am not content with where I am. With anything. My physical appearance, my family, my relationship with God and so much more.

Does anyone actually know (or care) how insecure I really am? 

We've got these stupid elections for positions in chorale and I really don't think I'll win anything. I am just not popular like those other girls. Sure people know who I am but when they think pretty and skinny and who they want running their chorale, they sure as heck won't think chubby, won't shutup annoying sj.

i'm going to our formal. and i will probably end up just sitting there feeling sorry for myself while all the other happy couples have a good time. and then that guy who is INCREDIBLY awkward will ask me to dance and I'll say no and then feel terrible because I am a bad person. 

why do i even bother going.

GUH. 

stupid college boys.

is it ok to cry in the library? i am almost there.

it's post time

since i am procrastinating this is an excellent time to post.

more or less, the world kind of came crashing down yesterday and the cold that i had, got even worse and exploded into a box worth of tissues all day and night. but i went home for the night and mommy made it better :) yay mommy.

anywho, there is also a caffoffle with rooming for next year. but that will sort itself out in time. 

also, who is excited to live with B and jenn for a bit this summer? ME!

now if only library lady would get back to me,

love,

weekendhack

nnnnnnnnnur. busy

i feel like i am autopilot today.

i skipped my am class only to find out that they had it outside. oh well, i got to sleep some more. 

i woke up to a lovely passive agressive submission on my sink.

"can we get the dishes done today because we need the kitchen for dinner wednesday."

yes, we can get the dishes done if you would ASK US FACE TO FACE LIKE ADULTS.

however, because of your childish note, i will delay the time of dishwashing to later this afternoon. eff that. 

anywho, hansel and gretel is this weekend. last night was the first dress rehearsal and it went pretty well but the makeup was all too dark (i guess i am used to more dramatic stuff for musicals or maybe the lights are different?) anyway, everyone will be lighter tonight!

alrighty, i am going to be late for ethics if i don't leave now. love, weekendhack

namaste?

i bought a yoga mat.

i dyed my hair. (read: got it dyed)

i cut my hair. (read: got it cut)

i am having a little bit of a mid semester crisis. only i am not married so there will be no divorces, or affairs. maybe a romance. 

i will not quit my job (even though i may want to sometimes, it is a good job and pays for my gas and coffee. what more could a college student want?)

so like a mid-life crisis but not.

all i need now is a hobby.

oh right. yoga. :)

loneliness sucks

updating so that those who want me to will be satiated. 

lonely these days.

it's not that i am alone. i know i am not.

but there is just no one in my life that i really look forward to seeing everyday. (girls not included...i love seeing my friends)

and the cats draw near once more.

leprosy sucks

i am not invited to my friend's bachelor-ette party. 

i am allowed to be the guest book attendant but i am not invited to the party with some of my closest friends. 

i feel like a leper.

p.s. this is the 3rd wedding for me to attend in one year. without a date.

p.p.s this is the 3rd wedding of 4 that i have been the guest book attendant. 

p.p.p.s i'm lonely. really lonely.

weddings

this coming weekend i'll be at another wedding.

that makes 3 this year (starting from last june). 

weddings are wonderful and exciting and a time of real joy and love.

but you can't help feeling just a little (or a lot) lonely. 

especially if you don't have a date.

weddings are bittersweet at the moment.

it's something like, "this will be me someday, but until then i can just sit here and cheer on my friends."

but also, "wow, i have never felt lonelier in my entire life."

ok, enough pity party for today.

it's usually a bad idea to listen to ella when you are already feeling a bit blue. she's either singing about love found or love lost. or baskets. 

time to bring home the bacon.

EDIT: Holy crap it's march already.

breaking the rules

school starts back up again in about 32 hours. 

sigh.

i have a ridiculous amount of work to do tomorrow but that's ok.

ever feel like things are not so great before they even happen?

that's what i'm feeling about this week. 

that's all for now. 

sorry for the crappy post after not posting for about 3. 4 years. er....a week or so.

p.s. juno = excellent film

also, charlie barlett? quirky and unpredictable. ok not wholly unpredictable but less so than say...waitress. :)

another sad day

so tomorrow is valentines day.

this time last year i was not single. 

however, this year, i am. 

it kind of stinks. (read: a lot)

apparently i'm a diamond in the rough worth finding. that's nice to think about but it doesn't make me less lonely.

valentine's day is a stupid holiday. 

i can has post?

dear world,

it has been 4 days

since i posted last

not much has happened.

that is all

love, weekendhack

despite the canoodling...

i have decided not to be bothered. what they do is their own business and obviously, they have little regard for the feelings of others. therefore, i should not hold any regard for them.

the end.


or rather, the beginning. :)

what the hell

how would you react if you came home from the gross weather outside and found your roommates along with your exboyfriend, watching a movie, and one roommate holding his hand.


this kind of crap has been going on forever and while it still bothers me, it is not for the reason i thought it would.

it bothers me because there is no way NO EFFING WAY i would ever do that to her. i thought we were friends? but last time i checked, friends don't date their friend's exes. not unless it's been a long enough time in between. we broke up in june. but i didn't see him until august. so it was easy at first....he was gone and i was still here. yes it's been 6 months but that doesn't mean it's ok. they could at least wait till i was, oh i don't know, NOT HER ROOMMATE ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?!?!?

for heavens sake.

nice guys eh?

a good friend told me the other day (and continues to do so on nearly a daily basis) that sometimes nice guys are just nice. they aren't seeking anything other than friendship or even acquaintance.

also when you are with them alone for an extended periods of time, they like to end the night with a "just so you know, this wasn't a date."

of COURSE it wasn't.

effing timmy ho's does not equal a date. in fact it is less than a date. it's more like, i don't know talking over coffee!


hrmf.

i kow that this guy won't be doing any sweeping anytime soon.
when, oh when, will my mr. bertram come along? hopefully not in the far distant future. or else i might spend my whole life waiting.

i should really not watch two 'chick flicks' in one night. talk about emotion and sensory overload. sprechen sie kisses?

Love,
weekendhack

really...another week?

so i was astounded by the date on my last post. it feels like i wrote it yesterday and yet...it was a week ago. ish.

i am off to bed but i will leave you with a favorite poem of mine

love is anterior to life
posterior to death
initial of creation,
and the exponent of breath.

emily dickinson.

truer words were never said
nor billy never writ, nor no man ever loved.

week one: complete

outside of some erratic sleep patterns, i would say the first week of school has been an overall success. i made myself complete my homework for my orchestration class waaay ahead of time so that I could chill this weekend and do the other lighter stuff.

things in the roommate dept are ok. i feel like i just need to let this go. i think that it will be easier now that i talked with him and tried to give him so idea of what i was going through. short of crying and throwing a hissy fit i don't think there is much i can do.

in the other dept. which would be i guess the "love" dept. i think things are going where they should. i've been getting ahead of myself concerning a guy friend of mine and it's best now to nip it in the bud. i just want to get to know him and be his friend. outside of that, well. i don't think there is much future there. i know that there is someone out there for me. there has to be. the only problem is that he is out there and not here. but... he is not here for a reason. and that reason is that i am not quite ready yet. i would really need to get to know someone.

a few people have told me that i really won't get over this guy (old boyfriend guy not new friend guy) until i meet and date someone new. i think they are right but i don't want it to be just anyone. and i really don't want this new guy to think the only reason i hang out with him and talk with him is because i like him. i do, a little, but that's NOT the point. i just want to get to know him. i'm not planning our wedding or putting his name in hearts. i just want him to be my friend. a true friend. a confidant. someone he turns to. because i wasn't that in my last close relationship with a boy. this is my chance to not mess things up.

guh. sorry for blog vomiting all over you but sometimes a girl has got to vent and when her roommate has been passed out since 10:30, well, blogger, you become my sounding board.

much love,
weekendhack

a good night's sleep

maybe not the wisest of decisions but last night i took two tylenol pm's to help me fall asleep. they worked relatively well, however, the havoc reeked upon my system and the acidity of my stomach? not so fun

in the clear

to sum it up, i asked him to not be around so much.

i hope he doesn't think that i hate him. i just need time to heal and finally put this behind me. then... then i can get on with my life.

we're getting closer to the end this time.
and i am so glad.

on the precipice

i had to look up how to spell precipice. i'm not sure why. i am often a good speller. i was right but i still felt the need to check.

that is a good summary of my life at the moment. checking with others for approval. i feel like i am not myself. i do feel like i'm trying to find myself but i find that i am often swept around by other's personalities rather than my own. i love my friends and i love this college but at the moment i just want to get out.

i'm feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances. ::faints on handy fainty couch from antiquated times::

when in reality i am not facing anything particularly strenuous. i am a successful student at a not so cheap private college with a good GPA and a loving family. while their social sanity might be debatable, there is nothing wrong with them aside from that. i am not impoverished. i am not starving. i am not ravaged by any horrendous disease easily cured by cheap medicine that will kill many little someones this evening. I AM SO SPOILED. i have a warm bed tonight. two in fact. one here and one at home should i ever feel the need to leave my campus and run away back to the safety of my mother's open arms. i am not hungry. i do not need to steal my next meal or money to buy clothes. i do not need to resort to dealing drugs just to pay the rent. the only things stressing in my life? completely temporal. my roommate is almost dating my ex boyfriend. i am the director of a singing group. i am student teaching next semester. i will be doing a lot of work this semester with little immediate benefit. i don't have a significant other who i can just hold on to. and while these things are so small in comparison to the worlds problems. to me they are so big that i feel panicked when i start to think about them. i don't want to whine but all of this is just seens like too much. i know i can handle it. just because it's the most difficult thing to me at the moment doesn't mean it will be so in 20 years. and that sickens me that its too much at the moment. i wish life were simpler. where i could live with someone who loved me and that we would LIVE. travel, eat, help people less fortunate. DO SOMETHING WITH OUR LIVES BESIDES CHECKING FUCKING FACEBOOK. excuse my language but that is really how i feel.

i am going to sleep. tomorrow i am going to class. again. maybe i will learn something about myself. maybe not. but i hope and i pray so ardently that it will bring me closer to where i need to be. to my true love. to helping people. to finding my place under that big shining sun. i'll find it. i know i will.

i have to.

assignments

(picture courtesy of www.wlu.ca)

i am writing my resume (again). it is so strange to write about oneself. all my earthly accomplishments (or at least the ones i think will win me a salary) on one, simple, aesthetically pleasing page.

i am excited and anxious about this next semester. i have a lot on my plate but not nearly as much as last semester. i think that i can be successful as long as i am careful with my time.

i wonder how long it will be until i change my tune?



love,
weekendhack

strangers?

so someone who i don't know has apparently bookmarked my blog and now reads it on a daily basis. at least once a day. who are you strange person? the power of the internet is on my side. that and IP tracking. ::snickers in a non-sinister way:::

in retrospect...

i have changed so much this year. and many firsts as well...

- first (and hopefully not last) actual relationship where i like a boy and he likes me. and we actually tell each other that. shocker. :)

- first (and hopefully not last) trip overseas, London and Paris in May

- first time to Boston and Philadelphia (October and December respectively)

- first semester with a 3.8 GPA

- first actual date to a formal event (even if it wasn't spectacular, it was nice)


One of my best and oldest friends said it best the other day: "I could find someone but I don't want just anyone. I want the one. I would rather wait for that right one than throw myself at the next unsuspecting person of the male persuasion."

I think that will be the theme for 2008.